Expressions

The New New Deal: a short story

By KRISHAN PATEL
Staff Writer

the-new-new-deal

“Can I sit in the chair that spins?” Donald Trump asked excitedly, pointing to a swiveling chair at the head of the table in the center of the room.

“Mr. President, all of the chairs are swiveling chairs.” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s face, which bore an uncanny resemblance to that of a turtle, contorted in pain as the incoming President stepped on his foot on his way to the chair he had pointed to, either not caring or not noticing that all of the chairs were identical.

“This is the opportunity we have been waiting for,” Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said with his signature fake smile plastered on his face. Mitch McConnell was sitting across from and listening intently to him, while Donald Trump was spinning in his rotating chair, not paying attention. “For years, our donors have complained about our inability to cut their taxes and lower business regulations. In 2017, we can finally deliver on our promises, especially once we repeal the Affordable Care Act.”

Donald Trump abruptly swiveled around so he was facing Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell. “What’s our replacement plan? All I know is that it’s supposed to be ‘something terrific’.”

“You see, sir…” Mitch McConnell started the sentence, but Paul Ryan finished his sentence for him.

“We never actually planned on replacing it.” Paul Ryan looked Trump in the eyes.

“Oh. I mean, I knew that. So what’s going to happen to all of the people on Obamacare?” Trump asked, simultaneously pretending to know what he was talking about while also trying to gain information.

“That’s not our problem,” Paul Ryan replied. “We finally have a chance to obliterate the social safety net created by the New Deal. Once, we’re through with the ACA, Medicare and Social Security are next up on the chopping block.”

“I promised that I wouldn’t allow Medicare or Social Security to be cut.” Trump said.

“But unless we cut them, we can’t cut taxes enough for the RNC donors. Did you actually intend to follow through with your promises?” McConnell looked at him with a slight bewilderment and shook his head, his chin moving not too unlike a turkey’s gobble.

“I’m just messing with you guys. I don’t care. Believe me.” Donald Trump pulled out his phone and opened Twitter. Journalists wouldn’t shut up about his connections with Russia. He typed out ‘@kurteichenwald is a bad journalist and @Newsweek is a bad magazine. No Russia connection, folks. Believe me. SAD!’ He was about to press Tweet when his battery died. Bored, Donald Trump put his phone away and started to spin again, as the Republicans in charge of the United States Congress continued to lay out their plans for the repeal of the New Deal.

Categories: Expressions, Sword and Shield

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