By CASEY STANFORD
Numerous well-known Democrats have this week announced their withdrawal from the 2020 Democratic primaries to put their support behind a rather unusual candidate: a Walmart manager named Linus Elmar. While Elmar has no experience in politics, and he voted for third-party candidate Joe Exotic instead of Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton in 2016, he does have one unique quality which Democratic leaders believe will set him apart on election day – he isn’t current U.S. President Donald Trump.
Despite his political ignorance and former disinterest, Elmar is confident in his ability to win in 2020 if he gets the nomination. “Honestly I think we’ve made tremendous progress already,” Elmar said. “We’re going to take back the America we all remember – from before these LOSER Trump voters showed up!” Democratic leaders used polling to identify Elmar as the most basic, generally appealing person in America – the key to modern politics. While they have previously criticized President Trump for his complete political inexperience, they assured the public this week that Elmar will be a political puppet for the right side of the issues.
“Apparently policy doesn’t matter anymore”, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer said, taking off his glasses to look angrily into the distance. “Trump seems to have decided to circumvent the democratic process and undo Obama’s incredible legacy. So clearly our only option is to get literally anyone else into office to undo Trump’s shameful legacy. We need to ‘wall out’ his hateful ideas so they never come into politics again.” And Schumer isn’t alone in his plan of action. One poll has shown that 80% of Democrats agreed with the idea that “The tragic mockery Trump has made of our political system needs to be fixed by any means necessary.” And Elmar might be just the man to undo those changes in exactly the same way they were caused.