He Name, He Saw, He Conquered: the Chronicles of X-AE A-12 (A Satire)

Home S&S Opinion He Name, He Saw, He Conquered: the Chronicles of X-AE A-12 (A Satire)

By JAX ARMSTRONG
Staff writer

Dusk has fallen, and the Healers of Valor have risen to the second coming of the messiah. 

A genius, a savant, the unquestionable reincarnate of our leader, the future of the millenium, X-AE A-12. Conceived under the light of god, birthed from the Virgin Mary vicariously through the flesh of Claire Elise Boucher (Grimes, mother of X-AE A-12). The intangible characteristics of X-AE A-12 transcend that of any living being. 

On May 4th, 2020, X was born. The birth of this mystical being signifies the revival of the Healers of Valor, whose duties are to worship the messiah championed each millenium. Much controversy has spawned after X’s birth, due to the “odd” nature of the name and supposed “awkwardness” surrounding the name’s pronunciation. Lord Musk and Grimes have faced criticism from the naive, who believe the “odd” name isolates the messiah as a potential target for bullying. However, X will never fall prey to childhood jest, nor will he fail his duty to provide the Healers of Glory with unimaginable riches. 

The name itself, X-AE A-12 is indicative of the messiah’s innate glory, as each letter provides distinct insight into the genius of X-AE A-12. Elon Musk appeared on the highly intellectual and extremely reputable Joe Rogan podcast, and explained the meaning behind X’s full name. Elon provided justification for the letter “X” as it is representative of the unknown variable, highlighting the mystical and unknown nature of the newborn messiah. In addition to this, X = 10 in Roman numerals, and 10 is an “angel number” that symbolizes god’s kingdom on Earth per the Yayle School of Religion. As for the AE character (that I don’t know how to input on this google doc), it supposedly is meant to represent artificial intelligence, according to a tweet from X’s mother, which also denoted the characters of the name. Artificial intelligence as a construct is something that has the ability to surpass the intellectual capacity of its human creators, much like X himself, who was born from the flesh of a human but is something entirely different. Finally A-12 is an homage to Grimes and Elon’s favorite aircraft, known for its speed. 

This is by every possible metric, in spite of all public criticism, the greatest name one could ask for. This is empirically-backed, as the Forbes List of the top 100 names that I totally did not make up puts X-AE A-12  at number two, following the name Jesus, showing X is the next messiah, and a very good name. Even phonetically, X-AE A-12 rolls off the tongue with an indescribable ease, one that will inspire the names of future generations.

The Healers of Valor have become reborn, following the birth of X. We will begin ritualistic practices revolving around the worship of X, in an attempt to be vindicated by the godliness of X himself. 

Overall, X-AE A-12 is a genius name for a savant-like specimen, and a necessary part of the revival of the Healers of Valor.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: