Pokémon Go to the Polls (Satire)

By: EVAN CHOE

Staff Writer

It is the final battle of the Pokémon Go to the Polls title. Pokémon trainer Noobmaster96 and his starter Pokémon, Joe Biden, have defeated all eight gym leaders as well as the Elite Four in the fictional region of America. He now has to face his rival Chimcharsucks15 and his starter Pokémon – Donald Trump – in a final Pokémon battle. The coming battle will determine the champion over the region. Everyone has gathered to watch this momentous battle and vote on who the victor will be. 

Walking to opposite sides of the stadium, Noobmaster96 and Chimcharsucks15 wish each other good luck, but promise to defeat the other to become champion.

Depicted is former Vice President Joe Biden (left) and President Donald Trump (right) in a heated debate.

Chimcharsucks15: “I’ve been reigning champion for four years. There’s no way you’re beating me and my orange friend here. I’ve still got at least four more years as champion!”

Noobmaster96: “We’ll see about that! I wanna be the very best that no one ever was! Biden has learned a few tricks since you’ve been gloating as champion, and I can’t wait for you to get acquainted with them!”

Suddenly the timer strikes zero and the trainers send out their Pokémon. The crowd cheers willdy, as one fan screams, “I love you Noobmaster96! Please sign your autograph on my Pikachu Chimcharsucks15!!!”

Noobmaster96 is astonished. He had seen one of these orange colored Pokémon on the television before, but never imagined he would come so close to seeing one in person, much less battling against it. 

Noobmaster96 quickly pulls out his Pokédex to get some info on his opponent’s Pokémon.

Pokédex: “Trumps are highly rare but inarticulate Pokémon. They like to spend their time sulking behind the White House curtains, and love to ‘tweet’ to other Pokémon in order to assert their dominance. Although, Trumps are very good at both putting American Pokémon first over other regions, and making sure that fellow Pokémon are not out of jobs. Trump’s strongest rivals are from the China region, and it has done well to protect weaker Pokémon such as Hong Kong. Players of the game ‘Pokémon White’ especially like this Pokémon, as it’s on the game’s title cover. Trump’s special moves are ‘Wall Construction’ which sharply increases its Defense stats, and ‘Fake News’ which confuses other Pokémon into not attacking them. This Pokémon’s favorite sayings are ‘nobody builds walls better than me’ and ‘I’m a negotiator, like you folks’ in reference to the Jewish community.” 

Chimcharsucks15 also pulls out his own Pokédex to achieve a better understanding of the opposing Biden.

Pokédex: “Much like Trumps, Bidens are tall, old, white Pokémon who love to get themselves into tongue-twister situations by saying the wrong things accidentally. However, Bidens are Democratic type Pokémon, a direct antagonist to the Republican types, which include Trump. Neither side is particularly strong against the other, but these types love to hurl personal attacks at one another and can never seem to agree over anything. Yet, Bidens are strong Pokémon with a lot of experience. Bidens also care deeply about the soul of America. Bidens are willing to do whatever it takes to ensure unity in the region while looking out for minority Pokémon. Biden’s special moves are ‘Calling Barrack’ and ‘Cool Boomer.’ This Pokémon’s favorite sayings are ‘120 million dead from Covid’ and ‘you ain’t Bl…’  Moving on…”

With both trainers now knowledgeable about each other’s Pokémon, the battle finally commences.

Trump begins by striking his opponent with a rapid-fire flurry of tweets. The tweets are sent flying in all directions across the battlefield. The crowd gasps as Biden may very well be engulfed in this Twitter storm. 

Biden seems to be obscured from vision due to the sheer mass of the tweets. The crowd lies aghast, unsure how the surrounded Biden can scrap his way out of this one.

Suddenly, Biden releases a hidden special ability, known as the “Fact Check.” This ability nullified the effects of the storm, as all of Trump’s tweets seem to have stood no chance against his opponent’s fact-checking. The tweets all plummet gracelessly to the floor, unable to endure the powerful move. 

Chimcharsucks15 is stunned. He had never known Noobmaster96 to have been such a formidable trainer until this point. One thing was made clear, this would not be an easy fight.

With this decisive victory, Biden moves on the counterattack. He releases a powerful echoing boom. The entire premises of the stadium trembles as this hyper echoing forces its way forward.

Noobmaster96: “Behold Chimcharsucks15, Biden’s DNC Speech! There’s no way Trump can withstand the sheer power of this message!”

Chimcharsucks15: “I’m afraid I’m just built different. Trump, use Wall Construction. Quick!”

Trump instantaneously erects a 300ft wall that stretches across the battlefield. This wall is colossal, soaring above even the highest reaches of the stadium and Trump’s own ego. 

Chimcharsucks15: “You fool! You fell for the classic blunder. No one can ever trump Trump!”

Biden’s echoing speech comes crashing into the wall at a tremendous force. The thundering sound of the impact can be heard across the stadium as brick and dust is kicked up into a formidable smoke screen. As the dust settles, the wall still stands unopposed. It seems Biden’s echo was no match against the wall.

Chimcharsucks15: “Ha! Now you see. You can never win. Just you wait Noobmast… er… What! What is the meaning of this!”

Scanning the stadium, it seems Biden is nowhere to be found. Everyone is stunned as Biden has vanished completely from sight. 

Noobmaster96 with a sly grin: “You fool… you fell for the classic blunder. I’ve just been Biden my time!”

Chimcharsucks15: “Omiawah!”

Suddenly, before anyone can fully grasp the situation at hand, Biden emerges from underneath the stadium on the other side of the wall. He dug his way under the wall during the smoke screen! Who could’ve guessed someone would try to dig under Trump’s wall!

Now, with Trump vulnerable and completely helpless against attack, Biden unleashes the ‘Nerf or Nothing’ attack. It seems Biden has been preparing for this moment his entire Pokémon career. Within a split second, Biden draws a dual wield water gun Nerf set and unleashes a massive “Hydro-Pump” against Trump, launching him several feet backwards.

Water-type moves are super effective against Trump, as his beautiful toupee had been blasted off his head following the Hydro-Pump move, and is now somewhere in the pool of water now surrounding half of the stadium. 

Next, Biden summons his fellow Pokémon around him through his Democratic-type move, ‘Native American Allies.’ Suddenly, a wild Elizabeth Warren emerges from the tall grass and lets loose a heralding Native American cry. Surprisingly, this move is not very effective. One could never imagine why! This failed attack gave Trump time to recover.

Noobmaster96: “Trump may have been able to regain his strength, although he couldn’t re-toupe himself! Am I right?”

Trump responds to Biden by countering with Fake News, confusing Biden and the audience. It seems to not have affected Biden very much, on account of him living in a perpetual state of confusion.

Biden tries to attack with another message but it seems he forgot it.

This time, Trump delivers a stinging blow using ‘Southern State Support’, boosting the Pokémon’s attack stats and hitting Biden hard. 

But wait, what’s this? A balloon that seems to take the shape of a Pokémon is slowly descending onto the battlefield. A faint voice can be heard. “To protect the world from devastation! To unite all peoples within our nation! It’s Kim Jong Un and I’me outta pocket! Prepare yourselves for it’s Team Rocket!”

Chimcharsucks15: “Oh no! Not Team Rocket again! When will you guys ever quit!”

Noobmaster96: “I thought it was a Wailord descending on us! Haha!”

Kim: “I’m serious this time guys. I’m gonna nuke you! My abilities have evolved. I’m the strongest Pokémon alive!”

Chimcharsucks15 & Noobmaster96: “Stop the cap! We both know you have projectile dysfunction.”

Together, both Biden and Trump aim a combined attack against Pokémon Kim Jong Un in perfect synchronization and let loose a catastrophic move, “Nuclear Arsenal”. The move absolutely destroyed the hot air balloon and sent Pokémon K-J-U blasting off again.

Chimcharsucks15 & Noobmaster96: “If there’s one thing we can agree on, it’s that we both hate Rocket Bboy!” 

What a weird turn of events. Back to the fight though! 

Trump attacks again after the interlude, this time summoning Pokémon Pence to help in the fight.

Biden snaps out of it though and calls the cast of the famous musical “Hamilton” to his aid. It seems this was highly successful, as Pence has left the stadium in a rage. 

Both sides are now down to extremely low health and are near the point of exhaustion. Trump and Biden have already exhausted many of their allies and a decisive blow is needed to win this one-on-one. 

But what’s this! A suggestion? It seems the Hamilton cast has proposed a duel. And it’s been accepted!

Trump and Biden both turn and take ten steps, heartbeats pounding. They slowly turn around and a single shot is heard…

Everyone turns to see a beleaguered Trump perish to the ground. He reaches his hands out to the crowd, slowly careening forward. The impact of the nerf bullet was simply too much to bear. He collapses, defeated. 

And with that, the victor has been decided. A huge congratulations to Noobmaster96 and his Pókemon, Biden!

The stakes are high. The chances are low. The election is over. Unlike my flow. What happens next? Where will the story go? Find out next time on Pokémon Go to the Polls.

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