By CLAIRE CHOI
Office of Admissions and Financial Aid
1080 Eastway Street
Barvardtown, Massachusetts 96246
Dear Tommy Trojan,
After careful consideration of your application, in which I took 30 minutes to serialize you into a quantifiable candidate, I regret to inform you that you have been rejected. Although I read your nicely written personal statement, ultimately it came down to the sad reality that your relationship points were a wee bit low for me. For example, when asked, “What are your clothes made of?”, you answered “cotton,” but I was looking for something along the lines of “relationship material.” It’s the little things that went unnoticed. It isn’t me, it’s you. We are in completely different stages of life with different needs, and I simply don’t have the capacity to begin this relationship with you. My inner circle can only be so big. We had some good moments, and you would always check up on me. But after a while, it got creepy. You stalked my Naviance and College Confidential pages day in and day out, and for what? You never gave me money, or joined my rowing team, or bought me a building. You never visited me, and even if you did, I didn’t notice you were there. And as much as you professed your love for me, know this: you weren’t really in love with me, but the idea of being with me.
I hope that we can still remain friends after this, and that you do not unsubscribe from our mailing list. You put yourself out there, and you should be proud of that. I know someday you’ll find your soulmate, and they will love you for who you are. Just remember there are plenty of fish in the sea!