The Real Heroes in the Coronavirus Situation: A Satire

Neha Bhardwhaj, Staff Writer 

The media has repeatedly championed the so-called heroes during this “pandemic” – healthcare workers, scientists, and other frontline workers. Frankly, it sickens me to see such flagrant lies paraded about by the media sources that we trust to give us reliable information. So, in the spirit of dispelling these heinous misconceptions, I am writing this article to recognize the true heroes during coronavirus. 
I would like to begin by recognizing the incredible accomplishments of the coronavirus protesters. While others choose to follow the hollow admonitions of unqualified scientists and government officials, these protesters are true out-of-the-box thinkers. They repeatedly challenge the boundaries of what some deem “science” by setting out to prove that congregating in large groups and hoisting passionate signs can indeed eradicate a virus that has killed hundreds of thousands of people.
True, many of those protesters have ended up contracting the virus… but regardless, their logic is impeccable. I mean, all of the nearly five million people infected worldwide must have cancer or something, right? And yes, it’s unfortunate for those people, of course – but if we don’t have any immune disorders, why should we also be subjected to quarantine? I can’t be expected to care about protecting other people’s lives when it comes at such a steep cost to myself.
We are being forcibly kept in our homes with food, water, shelter, phones, TVs, computers, and unlimited access to Netflix and Hulu… but no way to get a decent haircut! It is simply unjust and un-American for our liberties to be so flagrantly abridged. Is this really what the Founding Fathers would have wanted? It is for these reasons that I extend my sincerest thanks to those coronavirus protesters, consistently putting their dignities on the line to protect our rights. 
Some have taken a less direct approach of protesting the coronavirus, but they still deserve recognition nonetheless. In that spirit, I applaud all those who have chosen to silently make a political statement by ignoring social distancing guidelines. For example, I sincerely appreciate the dedication of the spring-breakers who were determined to not let a global pandemic dampen their vacations.
When interviewed, they bravely stated their mission statement: to just have fun despite the minor inconvenience of the coronavirus. One can almost see the heroic capes of privilege draped over their brazen shoulders. They are truly doing God’s work.
Finally, a special round of applause goes out to our president and his administration – the people who tirelessly dedicated themselves to preventing public panic by withholding key information about the virus until it hurt as many people as possible. And who can forget the president’s stellar advice to ingest cleaning products? I’m not sure anything needs to be said about that; its brilliance speaks for itself.
As you can see, the media has lied to you. They have unfairly skewed your perception of the heroes and villains in this tempestuous time. I hope this article has helped set the record straight on who we should truly be applauding right now. I salute any fellow free-thinkers who have not succumbed to the brainwashing propaganda perpetrated by our totalitarian government and their nurse puppets.