Comedy Sportz vs. Staff Match 2017


Mr. Ian Perry (Science Dept.) balances a couch cushion on his head in a game where inanimate objects are creatively used for wildly different purposes. (F. Duffy)

Staff Writer
The members of UHS Comedy Sportz walked onstage to a full house on Friday, March 3 for the annual Staff Match. Many students excitedly shouted the names of their friends or their favorite faculty members. The fact that the show sold out was not at all surprising; the Faculty Match is one of the most anticipated matches of the year.
The audience’s cheers were loud and proud, significantly growing in volume as the faculty members that would be playing in the first half made their way onto the stage. Seeing the usually professionally-dressed teachers donning bright red raglans and jeans made them look less like faculty and more like students, which added to the hilarity of the situation.
The first half of the match saw the two teams struggling to outdo one another. Each time the score was announced, one team would be only a point or two away from tying with the other. The staff faltered, however, during the Dating Game. The game consists of one team member exiting the theater momentarily while members of the audience assign each of the remaining three players a character, celebrity or object that they have to imitate.
For this particular match the audience chose Mr. Nicholas Brighton (Science Dept.) as Spongebob Squarepants, Mr. Ian Perry (Science Dept.) as Corinne from The Bachelor and Ms. Emily Sheridan (Social Science Dept.) as the Declaration of Independence. The game proved to be quite difficult for Ms. Valerie Thompson (Science Dept.) who had to guess their identities and only succeeded in identifying Brighton’s character.
“I don’t know who [Corinne from The Bachelor] is,” Thompson told the audience after the correct answers were revealed to her. “I have a life!”
Despite the leveled playing field going into halftime, once the second half of the match came along, the faculty players were no match for the more experienced UHS Varsity Team. The blue team succeeded in gathering some audience support with games such as Expert Panel, in which the members played as “experts” and responded to students’ problems with advice. Neiman Araque (So.)’s character, a very, very old man with questionable intentions, picked on members of the audience to present their questions. Douglas Sun (So.) was given the role of teacher, while his other two teammates, Kerri Luttrell (Sr.) and Corinne Alsop (Sr.), were interestingly given the titles of “banana” and “professional vegan,” respectively.
The score announcement after this game, however, revealed the red team to be in the lead, much to Alsop’s dismay.
“Blue is a more economic color,” Alsop argued, still in character as a professional vegan. “The majority of the Earth is water!”
One of the most memorable games of the second half occurred shortly before the match came to a close. Players from both teams took turns making puns out of names of celebrities as well as faculty members. The results did not disappoint, and the sheer creativity of the players often shocked the audience into laughter. Some personal favorites were “If Steve Harvey was chopping herbs he’d be Cleave Parsley,” courtesy of Luttrell, and “If Ian Perry had to leave France very quickly he’d be Fleeing Paris,” courtesy of Alsop (French accent and all).
Though the match seemed close in the beginning, the UHS Varsity Team reigned supreme with a score of 66-46 against the faculty.