By AUSTIN KAUFMAN
Two old men are sitting next to each other quietly in the retirement home cafeteria eating some nice hot split pea soup for 4:30 supper when all of a sudden one man starts telling a joke to the other, “two men walk into a bar,” and the other man yells, “what did you say Mel?” as he scratches his beard and adjusts his hearing aid. Mel begins to repeat himself, but this time his voice slightly charged with annoyance (but not that charged because Mel loves Abe and is grateful for his company) as he clears his throat and repeats, “so two men walk into a bar.” Abe visibly winces because now his hearing aid is too loud and he cuts Mel off as he adjusts his hearing aid again, “say it one more time, sorry, I should be okay now.” The tension filled the air and Abe could have heard a pin drop as Mel went for a spoonful of split pea soup. Mel is visibly trying hard not to get annoyed at Abe because after all, they have been through everything together since they met serving in Vietnam. Mel finally finishes his spoonful of split pea soup and begins again, “okay, so two men walk into a bar and one gets a concussion and the other–” Abe all of a sudden has a heart attack.
The frame freezes and a gigantic lawyer in a pit stained white shirt and blue striped tie walks into the frozen frame with beads of sweat running down his face. He looks into the camera and begins speaking “Has this ever happened to you? My name is Rob Sharp and I am here to tell you that if there is justice to be served if you or a loved one has ever had a heart a-att-atta”–Rod has a heart attack and falls to his knees, his face turns purple, and he collapses.
A bespectacled man in a dark green polo shirt and khakis walks in, looks around, and says “now kids, that’s what we call irony… say it with me, irony.” The man, let’s call him Jerry, grasps his chest and proceeds to have a heart attack.