Duty Calls

By Austin Kaufman
Staff Writer
I have a serious problem… I own thirteen wallets and counting. I know what you’re thinking – but let me just put your mind at ease. I’m not a shopaholic that has a wallet to match every outfit I own and I’m not a thief either. These wallets aren’t even all mine! You see – this whole thing started with just my wallet and escalated extremely fast. It started with just my one and then one turned to two then three and then five (a set of best friends both left their wallets behind) and so on. I don’t even know what to do with myself anymore. I spend my time driving around the city trying to find these people, but Timmy, Patty, Kenneth, John, Bonnie, Sydney, Lisa, Chelsea, Theodore, Josephine, Jared, and Pete are nowhere to be found. To say the least, I’ve been super stressed lately. I feel like I spend my livelihood behind the wheel at the airport all day or picking people up from bars all night. All I want is to make sure people leave with what they came with and that I keep my 3 stars. People get mad when they leave their stuff behind and take it out on me even though it was their fault!! Did I mention that I also have four hoodies, six cell phones, two Teddy bears, and a unicycle someone left in the back?! It’s unreal the amount of stuff I’m responsible for. The guys at HQ are riding me about all of these things that have gone “missing without any explanation” in my car and I keep telling them that I am not stealing anything, but they don’t believe me. Maybe it’s cause I always wear my collector’s edition Swiper T-Shirt (the Dora character obviously) or the picture of my mugshot from that time I was arrested that I keep tucked into the sun visor, but you can never be sure anymore. It feels like my only friend is the hula dancer that stays on my dashboard—at least she never leaves me.
Anyways, I’ll just have to keep making my honest living and check the back seat of my car before people leave from now on. Oh well… It’s a hard job, but I guess that is what I signed up for when I became an Uber driver. Will you look at that —someone needs to be picked up 3 minutes away. I’ll catch you later—duty calls.